Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
