When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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