life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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