that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
