So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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