Tell her she can't have a vagina
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
