i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize