I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
