She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We're too hungover to prance.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
