the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
