legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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