Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
