It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
