i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
