i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
