Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
