well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
