the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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