It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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