I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Operation Purity has been aborted
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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