I met the friendliest cop last night
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
