you didnt know i had herpes?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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