the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
