I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
