Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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