I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
