When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
