Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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