OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
