Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
COCAINE IS GR8
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
