I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
