im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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