Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
