I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
