saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
