you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
