I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
