you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize