just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
