i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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