bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Are we still banned from the library?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
