She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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