YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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