My hair reeks of homosexuality.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just puked most of my soul out..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
