She's JV to your varsity
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i think my cat just said my name.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
