got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
