i love accidental penises.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
