this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
