I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
