legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
