Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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