You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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