just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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