if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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