I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
