Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
