We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
