he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
