haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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