every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
