Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
