i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
